Why You’ll Never Be Mugged With Ken Livingstone At The Helm

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Because those “poor victims of circumstance” will have to get past 2,000 Royal Marines first!

Not content with trying to ru(i)n London once more, it would appear that Ken Livingstone also wants to rule the waves.

According to Ken, the he’s paid enough in taxes to fund a third aircraft carrier. Seems like good news for government who were set to mothball the second carrier following it’s scheduled completion date (circa 2297).

The outburst came during a heated debate between Ken Livingstone and the incumbent Boris Johnson (yes, the man that gave red light jumping tourists the opportunity to dice with death on the taxi filled streets of London).

I’m sure that many years in politics and the odd back hander legitimate business investment have made Ken a wealthy man. The idea that he’s made enough money to pay 2.5 billion in tax seems pretty ludicrous. After all, it’s not often you find that kind of money in loose change down the back of the sofa!

Now, if you’re wondering what you could get for 2.5 billion here’s a quick estimate:

1. 1 x aircraft carrier that could be used to project overwhelming military power peace and harmony to the four corners of the globe.

2. A heavily rigged Mayoral vote. Assuming £10 per bribe that should leave you with enough money to buy back the Ark Royal.

3. A lot more than two Jaguars.

4. 400,000,000 copies of Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book (even Communism costs money).

5. A very large box of cuban cigars and a warm embrace from Hugo Chavez.

6. 500,000,000 surgical needles (which can be used to lance boils)

7. 10,000,000 priority flight tickets for Boris so that he can get back to the next London riots in time to deal with them.

8. 25,000,000 magnums of champagne which could then be distributed to other Socialist members of the Labour party.

9. One years consultancy fees which will cover the cost of having 50,000 Dutch cycling experts come to London and tell the Mayor how to pedestrianise the West End.

When you consider that Ken claims to have only earned £21,000 during the years 2008 – 2009 I think HMRC might want to delve deeper into his accounts.

Seriously, should the plank be made to walk the plank or can he just shuffle off into obscurity?

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