If your mortgage lender were a leather loving premier league football player intent on inflicting you pain which one would they be?
You may or may not know but lenders are looking for ways out of maintaining your low interest mortgage. An army of lawyers have been hired to run a fine tooth comb over the wording of your contract. Why? Because they don’t want you to have a cheap mortgage anymore.
If your bank or building society were a football player which painful fouls would they inflict on you?
Weeping Like Paul Gascoigne
Were Gazza’s tears real or was he simply doing a poor impression of a crocodile following England’s defeat at the 1990 semi-final? In fact, 22 years on, do you really care? There’s no doubt the wetting of the eyes Gazza experienced, quite literally, at the hands of Vinnie Jones back in 1988 were real.
On a scale of 1 to 10, the feeling that your mortgage lender has you by the balls has to score 10 on the pain scale.
Eric Cantona Opens A Dojo
Back in 1995 Eric Cantona helped East meet West in a Gallic replay of Enter the Dragon! After being insulted by a fan, Cantona reacted in the only way you’d expect from a well-paid, level headed role model: he kicked the fan in the chest.
You’re not likely to be karate kicked in the chest as you collect the milk from your doorstep but this one still comes in as an 8 on the mortgage pain scale.
Zidane’s Sister Causes A Stir
Footballers love banter but only when they’re giving it as Italian Marco Materazza found out at the last world cup. Zindane, enraged at a seemingly trivial comment about his sister, decided the best response would be to headbutt his opponent. Cue some mock agony and a red card.
It’s a pretty pathetic 3 on the scale of mortgage pain but don’t mention your lenders sisters when you’re deep in money negotiations.
Getting Revenge Roy Keane Style
Back in 1997, Roy Keane admitted to deliberately fouling Leeds player Alf Inge Haaland after a long running feud. The injury didn’t put Haaland completely out of action: he finished the match and played in another game shortly after.
Even though this one only scores a four on the pain scale be wary of any negotiations if you’ve just won a PPI claim from your lender.
Teutonic Kung Fu Fighting
Many people dream of changing the course of history but Harald Schumacher settled for evening the odds in 1982 World Cup. The semi-final match between France and West Germany in Spain saw Schumacher attempt to disembowel France’s Patrick Battiston using only his boot! Fortunately for Battison, he failed although the French player was left unconscious with a toothy grin and damaged vertebrae. Vive le difference.
If your mortgage company employs people this vicious then it might be time to find a new lender. 10 out of 10 for the pain factor but 0 out of 10 for friendly rivalry.
Would Sir Like Chips With Those Ribs?
It’s hard to believe that Abania and Croatia have a good relationship when you see fouls like this one. A brutal foul by Croat player Hrvoje Vukovic during a game in 2004 left Albanian Skerdilaid Curri in hospital with broken ribs and a punctured lung.
The chances of your lender actually doing the same thing to you are low but an interest rate rise could leave you feeling like your ribs have been worked over.
6 tales of pain and lunacy but it’s all a bit of fun. Well, maybe not for the recipients but, hey, they’re paid obscene amounts of money. I’m sure they can cope with a little knock here and there. On a more serious note, can you take the punishment? It’s a fact that many banks are losing money due to low cost mortgage interest rates and they’re looking for a way to rcoup some of those losses.
Are you in their sights? Time to get in touch with your solicitor and see how cast iron your contract is. If it looks like you’re going to be on the receiving on of an interest rate hike it could well be time to look for another lender.