In a shock move designed to quell the growing disquiet amongst their coalition partners, the Conservative Chancellor, George Osborne, has proposed a new rate of Vehicle Excise Duty for the Channel island of Jersey.
Dubbed the ‘Carr tax’, the new rates are being levied to remind Jersey based manufacturers of the K2 electric car not to avoid forget to pay their dues.
A draft release of the new document says, ‘In the medium term, the Government has decided to reform the existing VED to ensure that all parties involved make a fair contribution to both the public transport systems finances and UK Member of Parliaments pension funds. Sustainability and consistent funding are key to the success of future plans for the United Kingdom’s transport infrastructure and pool parties to which MP’s have become accustomed.’
One proposal within the new document suggests a new, environmentally friendly call centre be made available to curtain twitchers and amateur sleuths. Dubbed ‘the grass line’, this service will allow members of the public to anonymously report anyone they suspect of attempting to avoid the new tax.
Unlike the draconian ‘granny tax’, the new Carr tax does not allow HMRC’s inspectors to shoot the pets of ailing grandmothers at the first sign of tax avoidance. Supporters of the new scheme have suggested an amendment to the document that allows for the recreation of debtors prisons (complete with red hot fire pokers, starving ferrets and Cliff Richards greatest hits on repeat).
A poll carried out by some government nosey parkers suggests that the vast majority of the UK’s honest, hard working tax payers welcome the plans. “Why should I have half me welfare taken away every month to fund the Carr industry”, remarked one anonymous individual, “It’s just not fair!”.
The new tax plans haven’t been universally accepted. David Odger, of the non-Tax Payer Alliance, gave a withering response to the Chancellors announcement, “Bastard!”. He added, “For years, we’ve been getting away with blue murder and now some Tory twit wants to ruin our fun”, he added “It’s not like we’re hurting anyone; we simply forgot to add a few noughts to the end of our stated income”.
Carr Tax Proposals At A Glance
- Tax inspectors to get new powers including ‘shoot on sight’ rights.
- Individuals founding guilty of avoiding the Carr tax can expect to be publicly flogged and face up to 200 years in prison
- Debtors pets and elderly relatives will be carted off to the vets for euthanasia
- Anyone found whinging about the new laws face stiff penalties including amputation of their tongue, imprisonment or being publicly ridiculed by Jeremy Clarkson
In a separate report, it has been suggested that the coalition has been engaging Russian architects with a view to establishing a gulag on the Isle of Wight. Parties involved refuse to comment on suspicions that this will house a new facility for self-acclaimed finance wizard Vince Cable who, according to Tory sources, ‘had it coming for a long time’.
Prime Minister, David Cameron, made a statement condemning tax avoidance as ‘morally wrong’ before setting off on a whistle stop tour of the Middle East to promote the UK arms industry.
Jimmy Carr responded with a less than eloquent, ‘David Cameron is a f****** ****’! Fans of Carr have stated that he was in fact referring to the Prime Minister as a, ‘Folding Duck’. Does that seem reasonable?
Disclaimer: I made this up. Surprisingly, this article does not reflect any government policies. The quotes given in this article are fictitious but one thing is true – Jimmy Carr did dodge his tax payments. Whilst morally wrong there’s nothing illegal about this practice, yet.
On a brighter note: cheer up Jimmy, most people will forget about it in a few months. The only time you’ll be reminded about your follies is if you ever appear on Have I Got News For You.