We all know that owning an unusual home is really just part of the vanity game. Sadly, there’s a little part of our brain that gets off on the whole, ‘My house is freakier than yours’ thing. It could well be a part of how evolution helped us suck the rather cute cave girl into our seedy den of inequity. Alternatively, it may have ensured an evolutionary dead end for some of the slightly whackier, yet redundant, members of the community when they realise they just mated with the prehistoric equivalent of Amelia Dyer.
A 1960’s extension sat on the side of a Grade II listed, 17th century cottage can be passed of as just stupid. But some home owners seem to have a fascination with creating the brickwork equivalent Quasi Modo’s face. Face it: if it was ugly hundreds of years ago your apparent homage to architectural vanity isn’t going to work.
Let’s get one thing straight: gold-plated bidets and replica’s of HM Queen’s throne are for one person only – Beckham. If you aren’t a clueless footballer with no sense of taste, then here are 4 examples that should have been strangled the moment the ‘architect’ breathed life into them.
Boeing 727 Conversion
There’s an awful lot of noise around the idea of building another runway at Heathrow airport. The argument goes something like this: save the trees, sod the economy. Everything will be fine because once we start hugging our arboreal friends the world will be a much better place. Did I miss anything? No? Good. Now, when it comes to the more serious riddles in life, contemporary art has a solution for all our seemingly unanswerable questions like, “How can I make my house look really stupid?” to which contemporary art replied, “Build a stupid looking tree house that resembles a plane crash:
Phew! Thanks for all your help Mr Geniarse! Never in a million years could I have conceived such a ridiculous idea. Here, have a huge pile of cash for this overrated piece of ‘art’. Oh, before you go, can you think of any other ways to fleece me of even more money? How about charging me thousands for a set of tap handles that resemble helicopter blades? Hmmm.
Yes, I know someone probably does like it. There’s no doubt they spend hours showing guests around their massively overpriced piece of aviation history. There’s only one problem that I can see: who’s going to buy it?
I doubt a former pilot would be interested. Look at this way: say you work in IT. Do you really want to build a house that looks like a server room or am I asking a really stupid question? If you answered yes then maybe it’s time to start renting a ‘piece of paradise’ in your employers data centre.
Hello Kitty Hellhole
Let’s settle one thing: Hello Kitty is a range of kids toys. It has been designed for kids. It’s marketed to kids. It has a rabid fan base made up of… kids… and one very sad adult. Strictly speaking, it’s not a home extension but you have to take your hat off to the lunatic that actually submitted planning permission for this…
But it’s not just the exterior of this house that will have your jaw bouncing off the floor. The interior is filled with Hello Kitty furniture. This leads me to believe that either the owner has been smoking some very potent drugs or they’re just plain weird.
For anyone that thinks this will be a really cool place to live in – go and see a doctor now!
A House With A Turret
The are only two times we should see a turret: 1. In a war movie where it’s spewing out leaden death into a sea of advancing troops. 2. In a book of fairy tales where a cartoon hottie is imprisoned in a tower and awaits her rescuer. Come to think of it, if she had any idea about how seriously crap life was being married to a monarch in medieval Europe she would have probably just thrown herself off the balcony to her death.
I don’t have anything against turrets but there is a time and a place for them. The time: any date prior to about 1900. The place: pretty much anywhere far away from modern centre’s of living. You might think it’s cool to impress your kids with a fairy tale retreat but once they get past the dribbling phase (at the age of 18 or 19) they’ll soon get bored with it.
The problem is that, for many of us, they evoke memories of a time when it really easy for our parents to trick us into believing really stupid stuff. Urban myths such as it being legal for a car to run you over if you didn’t use the zebra crossing properly. Or that half a bottle of whisky rubbed into your a baby’s gums wouldn’t do any harm.
No, our parents were callous. They made us believe in a world full of fun and frivolity when they should have been educating us in the harsh realities of the world. A cold, bleak world where turrets are crumbling relics and fairy tale princesses are exactly that.
Way back in the 1980’s, everyone was obsessed with the idea of thermonuclear war. Who was going to launch first? Did they realise that the only thing we could really be certain of was mutually assured destruction? More importantly, for a teenager like me, was the question of when do I get to see my next female member of CND laid naked in the road as she attempted to block the movement of American nukes.
Construction companies had a 64 million dollar question: how do I get some clown to pay hundreds of thousands of pounds for a concrete bunker that would prove absolutely useless in the event of nuclear war?
But that question didn’t need answering. Scared shitless by the thought of a sneak attack by those dirty Russians, the rich and terminally stupid started spending in the misguided view that they could survive the holocaust. Really? How? Waiting for the radiation levels to drop means you would have needed about 1,000 years worth of food stored up. Also, where the hell was all your waste going to go? I mean, have you seen how bad it can when your toilet blocks up and overflows with only a days worth of ‘material’ in it? Now multiply that by 1,000 years – the call out fees for the plumber alone would bankrupt you.
Then there’s the little problem of radiation that hasn’t cleared up. After 1,000 years, you pop the hatch on your bunker and breathe in the sweet, sweet taste of fresh air… along with enough radioactive dust to turn you lungs to jelly in about 5 seconds.
But because you’re clever, you built a septic tank big enough to hold all your poo. You also have a respirator and protective clothing that will prevent you from being mistaken for a glow in the dark Christmas decoration. What you didn’t take into consideration are the mutants. The sad, shambling abominations left in the wake of the final conflict – very hungry abominations. And you’re on the menu.
At this point, I’d like to point out that things might not actually as bad as we think. Much has been made of the damage that radiation can do to human cells but what if all the evidence is wrong? What if, after emerging from your self-imposed imprisonment, you find that everyone is a mutant – a stunningly attractive mutant. Instead of twisting limbs and helping mankind to grow an extra eye or scales on your feet, the radioactivity turned all humans into creatures of pure beauty. Now that would be a real bummer!
Do you feel sick yet? Are you amazed at the amount of money that brain-dead ‘celebrities’ poured into the house-shaped abominations?