From troublesome relatives to your identity; there’s nothing you can’t lose in a hotel.
1. Lose The Weight
Weight loss it a big issue for many of us. A few extra pounds here and there are enough to make you cry into your extra-large, cheese stuffed pizza. It’s no wonder that hotel gyms are prime real estate.
Do you know where those queues of fitness fanatics and slimmers alike lead? I can tell you now: to a suite filled with torture devices that would be more at home in the Tower of London.
2. Your Mother In Law
Mother in law jokes abound but, for some of you, the idea of losing your ‘nearly a real relative’ is too tempting. She might not be an unsightly stain on your life and the quickest method of removal usually involves a shotgun and a shallow grave in the wood. But that’s illegal.
Unfortunately, your mother in law can’t be lost down the side of the hotel sofa so you’re going to have to be more creative. Organise a fake rendezvous before jumping into your car and speeding into the distance.
3. Your Life
We’re not talking about suicide. Every year, millions face the crippling strain of unemployment and burden of credit card debt. It’s no wonder so many of us want to simply disappear into the ether, never to be heard of again.
Reginald Perrin is the master of reinvention! Dropping your clothes on the floor of your hotel room and simply walking out without paying is the ideal way to have both the police and the debt collectors scratching their heads.
4. Your Children
Your 0400 wake up call screams in your ear but it’s not courtesy of reception. Children make noise; a lot of noise. For the sake of a peaceful night you might want to lose them. Grind down those horns, you’re not Satan and you don’t literally want to lose your kids (do you?)
Family entertainment is big business. The biggest and best hotels cater for just about every need. Instead of stranding your little angels in the car park as you wheel screech over the horizon send them to the entertainment department.
5. Your Virginity
Are those heady days of teenage lust and romantic idealism behind you? Where did you lose your virginity? According to some report (that I can no longer find the link to), about 14% or women thought they’d lose their virginity in a beautiful historic hotel on a four poster bed surrounded by a sea of roses. In reality, the back seat of a rusty Ford Escort was the most likely place to go pop!
Ladies, if you really, really want to live the dream then no really must mean no. Don’t give it all up for a night of backseat fumbling when you can have what you really want. (is there a lesson in here?)
6. Your Passport
I think you already know what I’m talking about here! The easiest way to avoid being deported is to lose your passport (and pretend you don’t understand the local lingo). When the authorities call in an interpreter it’s time to adopt a regional dialect that hasn’t been spoken for about 500 years (this will need some effort on your part).
If you’re a legal migrant but you’ve decided you don’t want to leave your current residence then all you need to do is lose your visa. Throw in a claim that you’ll be tortured for not paying your milk bill back home and you’re sorted.
7. Your Bank Manager
Disregarding any form of recession, bank managers are one of the most loathed individuals in the UK. Whilst I’m no fan of anything related to banking I think it’s time to give them a break. When he, or she, says ‘No!’ it’s not because they’re a bastard who thinks you’re undeserving of a loan. In most cases, it’s simply a case of ‘computer says no’.
The idea of kidnapping your bank manager, taking them to a hotel and inflicting GBH on them until they approve you loan won’t work. First, it’s illegal and, when you get caught, will result in a lengthy gaol sentence of at least 6 months. Secondly, the computer will still say no!
Don’t take this too seriously (unless you really don’t like your bank manager). Hotels can be used for more than just dirty deeds. I dare to name 5 in the comments below.