We all like the crisp feel of clean sheets. We all like the warm embrace of a thick quilt in the depths of winter. We all like to wake up refreshed and ready for the new day. We don’t like to wake up and feel the effects of having our skin rasped from our body by a host of skittering, mini-abominations that wouldn’t look out of place in a Hollywood horror movie!
Hotels thrive on providing a quality service. Delivery is everything. But how many of this spine tingling horrors did you pay to share a room with?
So, let’s clear this up: you haven’t had sex with any loose women recently, right? You’re not allergic to that Doberman that insisted on licking your face after it had given its balls a good working over. You don’t have a personal hygiene problem that leaves your body covered in hives. Where did that rash come from? If you’re really unlucky and you chose to stay in a shitty hotel, you probably had one of these little beauties feasting on your flesh:
Alec Baldwin's plastic surgery left a lot to be desired.
Bed bugs. Want to make millions as the author of the Hollywood’s next blockbuster horror movie? Then you need to write a story about bed bugs. Big bed bugs. Bed bugs with tongues like sandpaper that scrape the flesh from your body and leave you covered in steaming piles of poo. But make them big, really big. Make these the mother of all bed bugs. Make your story visceral. Scare the pants of your readers and reap the rewards.
The harsh reality is that these miniature abominations really do eat your skin and crap all over you.
Another, even harsher fact of life, is that, even if you book into the most expensive hotel in London you could still be offering your body up as a three course banquet.
Dusted you house recently? Did you know that up to 80% of what you mopped up with your little feather duster is the flaky remnants of your skin? Wouldn’t keeping your house clean be so much simpler if there was an easy way of bagging and tagging your flaky epidermis? I have the answer: dust mites. Millions of dust mites. Crawling over you in search of some crispy flakes of skin that are crying out to be nibbled on.
If this thing was the same size as me I'd poop my pants.
Your eyes are watering but you swear that you didn’t inhale any of the delicious marijuana. You wake up with facial pressure but not because you partner is holding a pillow over your face. You’re rubbing your nose like Daniella Westbrook but you don’t have ‘a little problem with coke and a six month visit to the Priory’ behind you. It can only mean your is a hot destination for dust mites.
Is you mind playing tricks on you? Are you still scratching at the invisible source of the itches the last two infestations gave you? Forget that. In the game of hotel infestations, bed bugs and dust mites are small fry. Next you’re going to go head to head with a true survivor. Think super hero on steroids. The kind of creature that can survive a nuclear winter. In fact, survive and thrive. Think of a creature that can carry on living for weeks without a head before finally starving to death. Think of a creature that, when squashed, releases thousands of eggs that will replicate its spawn like a tidal wave of filthy, munching, crawling, skittering disgust. Still can’t picture it? Think cockroaches!
"Why can't people love me the way they love guinea pigs and hamsters?"
Only three creatures will survive a future holocaust: a few unfortunate humans, cannibal mutants and cockroaches. Unfortunately for the human survivors of a post-apocalyptic future, the first two will have only one thing to eat – you!
But let’s not worry about global meltdown and the end of the world just yet. You’re more concerned about what’s lurking in the deep, dark corners of you hotel room, right? Well, unless you’re holidaying in the cold depths of Cornwall you don’t need to worry about mutants. But the cockroaches… ah, the cockroaches. They’re everywhere.
When nature finally reached the ‘Aha’ moment and created a design that could go on and on (I won’t bother with a sorry pun about Duracell) the result was functional but not pretty. Think of it as the antithesis to Hollywood pretty boy Brad Pitt: still built for speed but without the looks.
Now you know why Angelina wanted to adopt!
Calm down! Cockroaches will only eat you when you’re dead. In the meantime you’ll find that they’re actually more scared of you and your shoes. In fact, it would appear that Mother Nature, recognising the evolution of mankind and the rise of insect crushing footwear, gave the cockroach an strange ability to recognise podiatry-shaped danger at a hundred paces. Don’t believe? Next time you see a cockroach watch how it scurries from one spot to the next. It’s fast but not that fast. Then pick up a shoe. Watch the beast as the survival instinct kicks in and its 6 legs launch it into a sprint a grand national winner would be proud of. Uncanny, eh?
How many diseases do you think you’re sharing your bed with tonight? One? Two? More? In the case of staphylococcus, it could any one of the hundreds of twisted variants that’s waiting to take up residence is one of the dark, damp orifices of your body. Think alien face hugger but without the dramatic music that’s tells you it’s time to do a runner before you face is turned to mince meat and your intestines are being used as dental floss by a hideous, genetically engineered cousin of Freddie Mercury.
Freddie's teeth have been implicated in a number of savage, underwater attacks on surfers in Newquay.
The best known, and, potentially, most lethal, of the staphylococcus family is methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus aka MRSA. If you think the name sounds like something you’d find in a nerds wet dream you’ll be in need of some education. The mere mention of those four letters is enough to send the sphincter of any medical practitioner into violent spasms… with the associated foul smelling results.
"Come and have a go if you think you can replicate fast enough!"
MRSA is drug resistant. This means it’s one hard little fucker. How hard? On a scale of 1 to 10: Mike Tyson would have wet himself and run a mile. In his prime. Whilst tanked up on alcohol. And drugs. In fact, it’s so hard that scientists have added methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus to the an elite group of ultra-dedicated, parachute trained, commando viruses capable of wiping out a terrorist cell with one sneeze. Where Special Forces fail, germ warfare will win.
MRSA is everywhere and it’s waiting to ease its way into one of your cavities. Cuts and scrapes and an easy entry point into your body for this virus so I don’t recommend you start licking your hotel bed sheets especially if you just bit your tongue whilst having a spot of lunch and left an open sore on the tip.
Sharing of personal hygiene articles is another great way to share a little MRSA love so don’t think you can get away with wearing that slightly damp underwear the last customer left under the bed.
Oh, yeah – it’s also laid in wait on door handles, gym equipment, table clothes… in fact, it’s everywhere. Don’t panic! You’ll be safe in hospital. Which is actually a lie. Given that many MRSA sufferers are actually in hospital there’s actually a chance you’ll could catch it once you’re admitted!
I think that’s more than enough fun and frivolity to fuel your nightmares for a few weeks. Sleep tight…